How to is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear how to do it,
My wife and I have been married for 18 years and together for 22 years. We’re happy, we’re successful, we have kids, the white picket fence, everything else. I had a dream a while ago that opened something up for me.
I saw her kissing another man and I woke up not feeling jealous or excited, but rather at peace with the idea. This slowly evolved into the idea of giving him a “lobby pass.” I don’t want it to be reciprocated by her, I don’t even want to know if she uses it or with whom (I also decided on other rules that don’t need to be listed here) – but the The idea that she could find herself in a situation that would give her pleasure and that she could enjoy with my consent (if not my knowledge) appeals to me. However, I’m not sure how she would react if I made her this offer. I don’t see how to joke about it, even casually, to gauge his interest. She’s not an overly sexual person and probably wouldn’t even be interested, but she is human with human desires. I need help deciding if this is a gift worth giving or just a stupid idea I need to forget before I accidentally ruin our marriage.
— Dream or nightmare?
Jessica Stoia: I just wrote a column about a guy who told his wife of 17 years about his long-standing cuckold fantasy, and she was so weird and thought he didn’t like her. The writer didn’t elaborate, but I assumed there was an element of shock there because they had been together for so long and then all of a sudden he said to me, “By the way , I would love for you to make love. with other men. This can be really unsettling. So check out this column for a first-person account of how this can go wrong, just to factor it into the overall risk assessment.
Rich Juzwiak: The dynamic of this question is interesting because usually these questions are: “I want to have sex with someone else. How do I do that?” And there’s a real risk that people feel in admitting that desire and what their partner is going to think and how that’s going to change the relationship. This specific scenario, I would say, is quite unique in that the writer says: “I don’t want anything in return.” It seems that the crucial event for the writer would simply be the conversation in which he bestows the capacity of this room on his wife. , and then he would just live knowing that he allowed her to have her freedom. To me it seems like a low stakes conversation, but I know people have different sensitivities.
Jessica: In heterosexual relationships, there is a strong historical framework that love is jealousy, jealousy and appropriation are a language of love. And so that, I think, is why the wife of the writer I mentioned earlier felt that sharing his fantasies was a sign that he didn’t love her. So that’s something that I think is worth considering here as well. Maybe the best way to feel it is not to joke. Because if you present it as a joke, it’s going to be taken as a joke. Instead, why not start a conversation about what the expectation of fidelity means in their relationship?
Rich: Yes. Because even though you just alluded to the idea that fidelity equals monogamy, in a consensual non-monogamous situation, these things are not equal. Fidelity would adhere to an agreement. This doesn’t necessarily mean not having sex with other people. This means we have sex with other people on our terms. One might become disillusioned with the idea that monogamy and fidelity are one and the same, but it might be difficult to impose on someone.
Jessica: Occasionally I wish I could include a visual aid. I’m going to draw this in the air and try to describe it. The conversation tree might start with: “Hey, all this talk about sex positivity in the media lately has me curious about what fidelity in our relationship means to you.”
The wife might respond with option A: “It just means honoring the agreements we made.” » To which the letter writer can say: “Great. I have this fantasy…”
Or option B: “It means monogamy.” » To which the writer can respond: “Where does that come from?
Follow-up questions should be asked carefully to avoid a potentially explosive scenario, but there are ways to say, “Oh, we never talked about why we chose monogamy.” When we got together 22 years ago, the thing to do was just to work through all these assumptions, and I’m really curious. So coming from a curious and cautious perspective might help our writer determine if his suggestion would ruin his marriage. And also, these conversations, even if he decides to keep his fantasy to himself, can be a very good way for people in a relationship to reinscribe what they mean to each other, what their roles and their expectations.
Rich: I’d just be careful to make it clear that they’re not offering this so the LW themselves can have sex with other people. You have to get into that conversation and really drive it home, because I think a lot of people would suspect that when their partner comes and says, “You can sleep with someone else,” that means, “ I want to sleep with someone else. someone else, and I get ahead of this conversation.
So you have to untangle it a little and say: “No, really, this came to my mind mainly from a philosophical point of view. » It feels like there’s an aspect of generosity, but it also feels like the writer is just saying, “This should be a permitted thing.” I don’t want anything in return for this. I just think in principle you could have that if you wanted it. You just need to be very precise in your words and make these points clear. This is a nuanced proposition, so you must respect the nuance of what you are asking.
Jessica: And the other thing people tend to assume is that their partner is no longer interested in sex with them and therefore wants them to get it elsewhere. So do the sandwich maneuver. When it comes to the actual subject: “I find you so attractive. I love you so much. Here’s the situation, and I want to remind you how much you turn me on and that I want this because I’m interested in the idea. Then, hammer home the point with an extra: “I think you’re so sexy.” I find you very attractive.”
More advice from Slate
I am a procrastinator; my partner is a handyman from yesterday. Earlier this year, I couldn’t wait to do my taxes. My partner, as motivation, told me: “Do them and I will suck you off.” » Because my partner is very good at this, I got to work immediately, but was delayed by missing documents. Fast forward to now, and the missing form is in hand. Satisfied with my deposit, I mentioned to my partner that I would take this BJ as soon as possible. They made fun!