Do you remember Rezvani? They started making sleek Ariel Atoms in 2015, and over the years they seem to have migrated to a very different market than making lightweight, exciting track-oriented cars. Now their entire lineup seems to be cars designed for people who constantly fear for their lives.
I’m not kidding – out of eight different Rezvani models, half offer some sort of armor and/or “security” features. Also, the reason I’m writing this in the first place is because I received a PR email from Rezvani about their new Arsenal SUV (which appears to be based on the GM platform that under -tends the Escalade/Tahoe/Yukon), which “has the most advanced composite armor available to civilians.» Who is Rezvani’s target buyer, and why do so many people seem to want them dead?
I mean, I understand that there are situations that require armored vehicles because the people or objects inside are real targets of violence, for any number of reasons. Heads of state, Brinks trucks full of cash, people talking shit online about things they don’t know about (you know, like me, when it comes to armored vehicles), celebrities from world of telemarketing, all these kinds of situations. I guess we have many reasons to need high security armored vehicles.
But is this who Rezvani sells these cars to? Look, here’s the Rezvani line, with their options for people who think others want them dead highlighted:
That’s a lot of armored cars. And these names! Arsenal, Vengeance, Tank, Hercules – us get That, Rezvani, you mean business or something. I guess one of the proposed weapons is not the concept of subtlety. These are luxury armored SUVs, not necessarily aimed at heads of state or deposed royalty or anything like that, just for, I suppose, the deeply paranoid rich. Listen to these security and armor features of the new Arsenal:
“ARSENAL offers a composite armor option classified at level B6. This level of armor is known for its high strength and protective capabilities. This provides protection against assault rifles such as AR15 and AK47 ammunition as well as armor-piercing rounds. Traditionally, ballistic steel must be used to achieve this level of protection, adding considerable weight to the vehicle. However, Rezvani’s new advanced composite armor is 1/3 the weight of its steel equivalent while maintaining the same ballistic value as that provided by steel. This weight savings can equate to over 1,000 pounds of weight. This is the most advanced vehicle armor offered to civilians. Arsenal’s composite armor provides a reliable and robust layer of protection, ensuring safety in high-risk situations. Until now, composite armor was limited to level B4 in civilian armored vehicles. »
I mean, this is all impressive. Well, wait, let me look up what level B6 is because the truth is I don’t really know. I’ve been punched in the face several times before, but so far I’ve never had to worry about armor-piercing bullets from anything with a two-letter, two-number name, so I ‘Admit I’m ignorant. Give me a moment here to educate myself.
Ah! Okay, so to really, really simplify things, it looks like level B4 would protect against shots from most types of handguns, while level B6 would also protect against shots from rifles and weapons bigger ones like this. So B4 might be fine if a cowboy is shooting at you with his six-shooter partner, but you’ll want B6 if, uh, Rambo comes out of a manhole with an AK and tries to ruin your ass.
Introducing the all-new Rezvani Arsenal: featuring the most advanced composite armor available for civilian vehicles rated up to B6. This armor is light but capable of stopping high caliber armor-piercing bullets up to ballistic level 6. #armored vehicles #rezvani pic.twitter.com/LJRMB1RmLy
– Rezvani Motors (@RezvaniMotors) June 19, 2024
Again, I’m sure a ton of engineering went into this and yeah, it’s impressive and all that. Yes, yes, incredible stuff. Rezvani only makes 100 of them, which makes me even more fascinated by who they’re trying to sell them to. These start at $225,000, so we know these are rich people. And it’s the rich people who aren’t just afraid of, you know, crime, because I think the B4 armor level would probably be able to handle most opportunistic armed robberies, right not ? This thing is armored for sniper rifles and AKs, which is a definite step forward in trying to kill you in the arena.
So, it’s for the rich who are very convinced that there are people who really, really want them dead. Not just people who want them dead, but perhaps entire organizations of people who want them dead, with budgets for weapons and elaborate plans to attack people while they drive.
Why do these groups want Rezvani’s potential clients to be so dead? What did Rezvani’s potential buyers do to them? Are Rezvani’s potential buyers so repulsive, or do they just, deep down, want believe they are so disgusting that people will go to extraordinary lengths to kill them?
I guess maybe that’s the key here; it could be a matter of status. When you get tired of just showing the world how much money you have, where do you go? I guess you want to show the world that a lot of people would love to see you dead? That’s a pretty big flex, I guess.
The spectacular nature of it all is also why I think it’s more about idea that someone wants you dead instead of the dark reality of this situation. Real armored vehicles used by people who could actually be killed, like that boring Jetta we’ve featured here before, seek to not draw attention to themselves because that’s part of being safe: not being noticed in the first place. It’s very different from what Rezvani does.
You can impress girls of your preferred gender in bars by making them guess what you and Archduke Ferdinand have in common: people would love to kill you both! But the difference here is that Archduke Ferdinand was an idiot who let it happen and started World War I while you are much wiser and have a car capable of stopping a small militia. And has soft otter leather seats.
Rezvani definitely sells something here, and I don’t really believe this is protection against AK47 attacks. I mean, are they sold to members of the Mexican drug cartel? The cartel guys seem to use much more crude and brutal vehicles than the refined and luxurious machines Rezvani offers, so I don’t think that’s their market. I think it’s the feeling of importance that comes from the illusion that you are so important, all of you. Teams people carrying an assault rifle will come at you, potentially at any time.
This seems like a strange state of mind. But if there are 100 people who feel that way, Rezvani will have exactly what they need, so I hope your new Arsenal brings you joy, you rich weirdos.
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