Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit your questions here.
Dear Prudence,
I recently learned that my partner and a member of our friend group had started flirting with the idea of dating right before I entered my partner’s life. My partner and I have been dating for three years now, and in that time I have become quite close with a large portion of my partner’s friend group—we regularly travel, hike, and host parties and game nights with them. It’s a fairly large group of about 20 people, mostly coworkers who became friends from my partner’s old job. While I feel very close with parts of this group, I have always felt like this friend was keeping me at arm’s length. I have had a few confusing and harmful interactions with this person, and I would often ask my partner after a group trip or party if I had done something wrong or if he thought I came across as stupid or obnoxious to his friends.
After having a confusing and seemingly nasty exchange with this friend last month, my partner finally revealed that they had started dating just before she met me. They had spent a few one-on-one times and he thought they were about to start dating, but then we met and he basically cut those one-on-ones short. I understand that this might have been confusing and upsetting for her, especially since she hasn’t seriously dated anyone since. I don’t understand why my partner waited so long to tell me the truth, even after I expressed my insecurities about this friend to him on multiple occasions. I hate feeling hated, and being with this friend has been a bit of a torture over the years – there were few obvious signs that she didn’t like me, but enough weird interactions had built up that it made me really anxious. I had no idea I had hurt her when I joined this group, and I wish this had been said a long time ago. Still, I understand why my partner didn’t want to talk about his awkward romantic relationships early on in our relationship. Am I wrong to feel angry with him? And how will I handle it the next time we travel with this group of friends?
—Three years of confusion
Dear Three Years of Confusion,
You didn’t hurt this woman! Your partner hurt her. And it doesn’t seem like it was particularly mean. She just felt rejected, which is normal in romantic relationships. Maybe he could have communicated better about meeting you and explained why they wouldn’t be dating anymore, and told her what a great person she was. But she still had to live with the reality that he chose someone else over her. While that hurts, it doesn’t justify her being mean to you.
The fact that she held a baseless grudge for three years doesn’t reflect well on her, but it should give you some breathing room to ignore how she treats you. You don’t have unpleasant interactions with her because of something you did, because you’re unfriendly, or because of a misunderstanding. You have unpleasant interactions because she has the emotional maturity of a toddler. I know it’s not nice to feel conflicted with someone, especially when you’re trying to enjoy a vacation, but if there’s a way to remind yourself that she’s a troubled, unhappy person and that it’s not personal, it might really help ensure that it’s not an issue the next time you travel or spend time together.
As for your partner: No, you’re not wrong to be angry! The initial decision not to tell you the story wasn’t a great one. Some couples don’t go into that kind of detail with each other. But the fact that he let you suffer for three years wondering why this woman didn’t love you is bad enough. He owes you an apology and a promise to be open with you in the future, prioritizing your well-being over any potential embarrassment.
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Dear Prudence,
I want to get married someday, but I’m not sure if I should marry my current boyfriend. Health is very important to me, and his current lifestyle is not healthy (by my standards). I want a husband who can stay active with me into old age and who will be a good role model for our children. (As someone with a chronic illness, I know that we can’t completely control our health, but that makes it even more important for me to manage the things I can control.) My boyfriend has said several times, without me asking, that he wants to start exercising and cooking at home instead of eating junk food every day. But he’s been saying this for years and there has been no significant change. People say it’s wrong to want someone in a relationship to change, but what if that person has independently expressed a desire to make that change? Should I tell him directly that his current lifestyle would be a long-term obstacle for me, or does that sound too much like an ultimatum? Should I remain hopeful or just stop?
— Conflicted Kale Eater
Dear Conflicted Kale Eater,
Your boyfriend isn’t the only one who genuinely wants to change his eating and exercise habits but can’t seem to get there. That’s why New Year’s resolutions are such a big deal every January. Everyone thinks, “This is the time I’m going to really start living my new life!” But for many people, even those with the best intentions, it’s really hard to stick to them. I suspect that people who prioritize healthy living do it because it makes them feel good—they feel lethargic if they eat junk food and stressed or depressed if they don’t exercise—not because someone else has pushed them to change their habits. So even if your boyfriend knows your relationship is on the line and is so scared of exercising and meal prepping every day, I’m not convinced he’d stick to it for the rest of your marriage. So if you really can’t be happy with him as he is now – a person who eats junk food every day and would like to change his habits and may or may not do so from time to time throughout his life – you should move on.
Dear Prudence,
My husband was invited to his coworker’s wedding, which is in another country, a three-hour flight from our home. I was not invited, and my husband is not allowed an extra guest (none of the bride and groom’s coworkers are allowed an extra guest). All told, it cost us $750 in travel and accommodations for my husband. He is happy to go, and I am happy for him to go, except for the slight annoyance of the cost. But we disagree about wedding etiquette here. Should I have been invited to the wedding, either as a named guest or an extra guest? Or are the coworkers I know not entitled to that luxury, even for a destination wedding?
—Guestzilla
Dear Guestzilla,
I don’t believe in formal etiquette for this sort of thing. It’s kind of like the current debate over whether it’s rude to have a cash bar. From the bride and groom’s perspective, there are wedding planning choices that save money and may annoy guests, and there are other choices that cost more and make the wedding more enjoyable for everyone. Your husband’s coworker and his future spouse chose the former. They didn’t break any rules, but the consequence of their decision is that many coworkers probably won’t be there, and people like you are likely to mutter “Those tasteless jerks” when their name is mentioned. For what it’s worth, what really happened here is that they had a few seats available in their venue and decided to invite coworkers out of kindness—to make it less awkward to talk about the wedding at work, not because they thought the coworkers would actually show up. It would have been completely understandable—and even expected—for your husband to politely decline. After all, if you genuinely want someone to travel abroad for your big day, telling him he has to come alone is not a good strategy.
Dear Prudence,
My sister and her two teenage sons moved in with me after she lost her job and their apartment. My house only has two bedrooms, but mine has an office/nook that could be made a little more private. My sister and I shared a room when we were girls, so this seemed like an easy solution. Only my sister can’t get her head around the idea of teaching her boys to knock on the door! They show up at all hours of the day and night because they’re hungry or can’t find their charger or whatever. I’ve given up a lot of things to help my family. I draw the line at privacy in my bedroom. I’ve had an argument with my sister, she accused me of making a big deal out of nothing, and I told her that not wanting a pair of almost-teens to see me naked was normal and that wasn’t the case. My sister now sleeps in the living room and complains about the noise and light (there are huge picture windows). She blames me for not sleeping at all. The energy in the house is just negative now. The plan was for them to move in the fall. I don’t think I can do it. Help!
—Please knock
Dear Knock Please,
Keep your promise to have them stay until the fall, reminding your sister of her moving date every two weeks. And in the meantime, put a lock on your room. door.
Classic Prudie
One of the owners in my building, “E,” rented out his attic storage unit to “X.” This is against our condo association rules and E didn’t ask permission. We didn’t find out about it until after X moved in, so the condo association decided to give X six months to find another place to live because we didn’t want to leave her homeless. X tried to convince us to let her stay multiple times.