How To is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How To,
My husband (40) and I (45) love to invite a third party to join us in bed. Recently we have been enjoying the company of a younger man.
He called us “daddy” repeatedly. I’m a former drama student and it sounded funny, so I let my imagination run wild for this guy, saying, “Your daddies are proud of you/you’re our favorite boy,” etc. My partner, on the other hand, looked at me with a very curious look while this was going on. After we sent him home, my partner made more than a handful of half-joking comments about my “new inclination” that I had “hidden” from him. I was surprised by his comments; I had fun and wouldn’t hesitate to play the role again for someone who loved him. But he still makes jokes like, “Well, I don’t need a daddy, so don’t try that with me.” We’ve been together for 20 years and we love each other, but how can I affirm my love for him while potentially exploring this new side of acting?
—Dad but not your dad
Dear Not Your Dad,
It sounds like something about the dad roleplay really struck a chord with your husband. I would start the conversation with, “I love you so much, and it seems like this dad thing is getting to you in some way. I would like to understand why.” After 20 years, I think you have a sense of how best to phrase things and how to ask clarifying questions to draw out what is going on on his end. Once you have more information about why he is reacting this way, SO you will be in a better position to determine whether it is possible to continue exploring this type of play and, if so, what is the best way to approach it.
These conversations can seem difficult because they often have are difficult discussions to have. But on the other hand, relationships come out stronger. You can do it.
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Dear How To,
My boyfriend (32 F) (35 M) who I have worked with for almost five years is truly my best friend and I am crazy about him. He is pretty much the health-free type and I am a ping pong ball for ADHD, so we balance each other out well. Unfortunately, my boyfriend has suffered from depression for decades and because of his job, he is unable to get treatment. If his employer found out he even tried talk therapy, he would lose his job and probably never find a job in his field again, so antidepressants are out of the question. (He is not a danger to anyone or himself; it is the industry that refuses to keep up with the times when it comes to mental health care.)
As you can imagine, his untreated symptoms took a toll on our relationship, especially our sex life. I convinced him to go to a couples counselor (paid in cash), and there was a marked improvement. The counselor encouraged my boyfriend to get his testosterone levels checked, and it turned out that it was extremely low, so he started taking medication to increase it. We were so excited because we thought the testosterone would act like steroids and we would be back on the same page sexually in no time, but it’s been months and that hasn’t happened. What has happened is that my boyfriend’s overall mood has improved, and he says he’s happier than ever. I’m so happy that he’s feeling better and that our relationship is deepening because of it, but I’m still disappointed that his libido remains low. When we talk about it, he says he wants his libido back, and he’s frustrated that it hasn’t come back yet. He feels like he’s letting me down and isn’t good enough for me. In response, I feel so guilty and ashamed for needing this and making him feel bad because he can’t give it to me.
So I have two questions. One is that his doctor keeps telling him, “It takes time,” without giving him any indication of how long that time really is. Do you have any insight into the situation? Two is how can I deal with the possibility that we will still have incompatible desires?
—Needy and not greedy
Dear needy and non-greedy,
I reached out to associate professor of urology (and friend of the column) Robert Welliver for some insight into your boyfriend’s situation. In short, hormones in men are actually as poorly understood as those in women. “Testosterone has been considered a panacea for anything that might be remotely related to the presence of a Y chromosome,” Welliver said. I’m both surprised and disappointed by this.
As Welliver continued, the situation got murkier: “The male brain (and sexual response) is more complicated than just testosterone, and low libido can be related to a variety of factors that aren’t just low testosterone. It could simply be that he has a lower libido than she does, or there could be some other factor unrelated to testosterone that’s affecting his libido.” So the added testosterone might not make any difference to his libido at all.
Welliver noted that ideally your boyfriend would see a counselor or sex therapist, but I understand that most therapies are not an option right now. Since you can access couples counseling, you can ask that provider for their opinion on this.
To cope with uneven desire, masturbation is a great tool, both in solo time and when you ask your partner to engage physically with you—like by hugging you—while you handle things yourself. You can develop a rich sexual relationship with yourself to take some of the pressure off your interactions with him. It may also help to know that many relationships have some degree of libido mismatch.
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Dear How To,
How to wean yourself off your favorite sex toy? I’m going on a trip for a few months soon and I won’t be taking my vibrator with me. In any case, I want to get back to a reliable orgasm with my hands, which has become difficult due to my impatience and my preference for the pink toy. I still want to use it from time to time, but not as regularly as I do now. So how do you go about it? It may not feel the same as when I first started, but fingers still have their place.
—The Pink Wonder
Dear Wonder Rose,
It seems like you’ve gotten used to that particular pink toy. This is a phenomenon that can happen to anyone, not just toys. Sometimes people get used to a certain intensity of stimulation or even a particular position. The standard advice, which is the tactic that seems to work best for most people, is basically what you’re going to do anyway: stop doing the routine you’re used to, until you’re so worked up and excited that any kind of play will do. Leave the toy behind, be patient with your body, and take the opportunity to explore again the types of pleasure your fingers can give you. Breathe into your body, feel your limits, and play with different types of sensations.
And, you know, if that doesn’t work, you have the reunion with your favorite vibrator to look forward to.
Dear How To,
I have always struggled with sex in my committed relationships, especially with my husband. Then we had a baby and I had to really work hard to do it once a week. I recently stopped taking milk and got my libido back! Hooray! But we have a child now which means sex has to be planned and time is of the essence.
I have a ton of tricks to get my brain into sex mode: weed, porn, the typical stuff. But of course, things that turn you on just thinking about them are especially helpful. The problem is, the only mental trick that reliably gets me in the mood is thinking about teasing this person I had an unhealthy relationship with. I don’t even particularly like this person! He’s moody and annoying! I dumped him after he did something shitty to me! I’m okay with “using” this to get me in the mood, but it seems problematic and I wish I had other options. What’s going on?!?
—Baffled by my sex brain
Dear Confused About My Sex Brain,
It’s worth taking some time to think about what seems so problematic about this memory-based fantasy. If you have a trusted friend you can talk to, these kinds of conversations can be very fruitful. If not, consider journaling, thinking in the shower or on a walk, or whatever helps you sort through your thoughts and emotions. Ultimately, though, my position (and the semi-official position of this column) is that our thoughts are not a crime or a misdemeanor, only our actions.
If you’re looking to get away from this fantasy, or just want to diversify your repertoire, you can consume adult media, i.e. pornographic or erotic. Rachel Kramer Bussel’s erotic fiction anthologies for Cleis Press tend to feature a wide range of fantasy scenarios in each volume, so that would be my first choice. The goal to keep in mind when reading (or watching, or listening) is to find new scenarios to draw on as you’re looking to get in the mood, to give you the widest range of options you’re looking for.
—Jessica
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