If you’re constantly wondering if the feeling is mutual, you probably already have a … (+)
We all have that one friend who leaves us feeling confused about where we stand in relation to them. No matter how hard we try to include them in our plans, share our thoughts, or just be a good friend to them, our efforts always seem to fall flat. And when we try to talk to them about it, we often end up feeling even more confused.
Sound familiar? You’re not alone. The bad news is that it’s not necessarily a simple misunderstanding or miscommunication between friends. It’s often a deliberate tactic to create “psychological distance.” Here’s why people do it and how it can show up in a conversation.
What is psychological distancing?
It’s a universal experience: When we feel stressed or uncomfortable, our instinct is often to take a “time out” or create space from the situation. This need for distance isn’t just physical; according to a 2017 study from the Journal of Experimental PsychologyWe do it mentally too. We practice psychological distancing to help us manage stress and discomfort.
Psychological distancing involves imagining upsetting situations as occurring at a distance or from a third-person perspective. The study argues that this mental strategy reduces negative emotions and dampens biological signs of stress, such as blood pressure and amygdala activity. Essentially, by mentally pushing away negative experiences, we lessen their physical and emotional impact.
However, the authors found that when we want to mentally distance ourselves from things we don’t like, changing our language to reflect that distance is even more effective at dampening their emotional impact. To do this, we use “distancing language”: we avoid addressing these issues in the present tense and we refrain from using first-person pronouns.
How the language of distancing manifests itself in relationships
Psychological distancing and using distancing language are effective coping mechanisms when we need to distance ourselves from what is bothering us, because these subtle shifts in language and mindset allow us to create personalized emotional buffers. However, when what is bothering us is another person, these mechanisms can surface in our conversations – and the impact on the recipient is often less than pleasant.
A study from the journal of Research on human communication confirms this phenomenon. The study found that when a person does not like another, they tend to use distancing behaviors to reduce their discomfort. These behaviors generally fall into three categories: expressing detachment, avoiding involvement, and showing antagonism.
1. Express detachment
If you try to engage in conversation or connect with someone who is trying to create psychological distance, they may respond in ways that minimize their emotional engagement or interest in the conversation. For example:
- “That was a great movie, wasn’t it?” is answered with “Hey, that was good.”
- “I was thinking of baking those cookies you like today. Would you like them?” gets a “Maybe.”
- “I can’t wait to see you this weekend! I’ll see you at 5pm on Saturday, right?” is the response, “Yeah… or whenever we see each other.”
The other person will do their best to appear neutral or indifferent and avoid showing any interest or enthusiasm. They may minimize your shared experiences, avoid expressing engagement, or even passive-aggressively block your attempts to connect with them.
2. Avoid involvement
When you are trying to maintain contact, connection, or closeness with someone who is trying to create psychological distance from you, their language may be hesitant, vague, or evasive:
- “I saw you got an invite to Skylar’s birthday party too. Are you going?” translates to “Maybe.”
- “Do you want to have dinner with us tonight?” gets a “We’ll see.”
- “Can we talk about what happened yesterday?” is answered, “Can’t we do it now?”
Their responses will demonstrate a clear reluctance to engage. They will leave invitations or offers to connect hanging, be as vague as possible to avoid any confirmed involvement, and create obvious barriers to repel your attempts to communicate with them, all in an effort to keep you at a distance.
3. Show antagonism
A truly apathetic person may be antagonistic, subtly or directly, in their attempts to create distance, which can lead to palpable tension or conflict:
- “I really enjoyed our time together last weekend.” gets a “Well, I could have done other things.”
- “I was hoping we could spend more time together.” is deflected to “I’m busy with more important things.”
- “Do you want to watch a movie tonight?” is rebuffed with “Why do we always want to do what you want?”
Not only might they pull away from you, but they might also adopt a negative tone that could put a strain on the relationship. They might dismiss your ideas and thoughts or put you down or denigrate your attempts to connect with them. They might even go so far as to create conflict in hopes that you will back off.
The essential
Distancing language is a powerful protective mechanism. It allows people to protect themselves from appearing vulnerable, overly caring, or interested. It’s an effective way to create a psychological barrier, preserving their sense of control and emotional safety. And while it may make them feel better, it won’t make you feel better.
If you have a friend who seems unable to give you a direct yes or no answer, or who answers in a way that makes it difficult for you to understand them, they may not be a true friend. Take their constant use of distancing language as a sign that they are unwilling to make a real connection.
Don’t feel obligated to continue investing in a one-sided relationship. True friendships are built on concerted effort and interest. If your attempts to build closeness consistently meet with distance, it’s important to recognize that you deserve better. Everyone deserves friendships where the feeling is clearly mutual.
Do You Consider Yourself a Good Friend? Follow Scientific Advice Active and Empathetic Listening Scale to be sure.