The day after Valentine’s Day, I woke up with misty eyes, a foggy head, and a slight pit in my stomach.
I hadn’t had too much to drink. I hadn’t been ignored, scorned, or broken up with by either of them. In fact, I was married to a man who rolled his eyes at the holidays but knew how to seduce me: namely, through chicken wings and beer, which we’d enjoyed the night before, and a variety show of sorts at our friend’s loft in Brooklyn. On the surface, the evening had been perfect. But my gut told me otherwise.
It reminded me that the day before, I had reported on a mental health issue that had become deeply ingrained in my psyche. I had felt misunderstood by a loved one when I tried to talk about it. I had cried during the opening musical because, well, I’m an idiot.
On February 15, I woke up—like many others for various reasons—with that emotional hangover, or feeling groggy and uneasy after an intense conversation, therapy session, or even a dark movie. While not an official medical term, this “disorder” is fairly common and makes sense from a physiological and psychological perspective, experts tell me.
“Our reactions[to the outside world]are influenced by our inner world, and our inner world is influenced by what happened yesterday,” says Lila Davachi, a professor of psychology at Columbia University who has studied how emotions affect memories. “We’re not just blank slates every morning.”
I already felt better. Here’s what else I learned about why we get emotional hangovers, who’s most vulnerable, and whether there’s anything we can do to prevent or soothe them. Spoiler alert: Water and rest are tried-and-true hangover remedies, even if you’re sober.
Defining Emotional Hangover
Different people have different definitions of emotional hangover. Perhaps the best known is Judith Orloff, MD, a psychiatrist and author of The Empath’s Survival Guidedescribes it as “an energetic residue” left over from an interaction with an “energy vampire,” or someone who, intentionally or unintentionally, saps your mental and emotional energy.
“Toxic emotions can linger long after the event, leaving you feeling exhausted, brain foggy, or sick,” she writes.
In my case, it wasn’t a specific person I needed to get over, but rather a set of slightly emotionally draining circumstances that didn’t subside simply because the sun had risen again. (It’s important to note that I’m not talking about the emotional aftermath of world-shattering events, like the death of a loved one, which is more aptly categorized as grief—and better appreciated as something that will and should take time to heal.)
I’ve had emotional hangovers after finishing haunting books, received hate mail from readers, and disagreed with my spouse.
“The day after a really intense event, it’s natural to feel lingering feelings of sadness or shame,” says Megan Bruneau, a therapist and coach. The concept reminds her of “vulnerability hangovers,” or the uncomfortable feelings like anxiety and regret that can arise after sharing deep emotions, needs, or desires, according to the mental health website Choosing Therapy.
According to Orloff, frequent emotional hangovers are more common among empaths, highly sensitive people, and those with social anxiety disorder. In other words, when your emotional antenna is highly tuned into the thoughts and behaviors of others, small social issues become magnified. What’s a blip on someone else’s radar is a gust on yours.
This view resonates with Abby Schaeffer, a 33-year-old flight attendant based in New York City. “I feel emotions very intensely. When I have an argument with someone, I’m torn. My partner, on the other hand, is like, ‘Well, he’s wrong, so whatever,’” she says. “For people like me, emotional hangovers are a common occurrence because you’re spending so much energy processing the event.”
The Brain and Body During an Emotional Hangover
While hangovers are generally thought of as a combination of dehydration, poor sleep, and other physical consequences of excessive drinking, the mechanisms behind emotional hangovers are a little harder to pin down medically. But experts have a few theories.
That’s because during an emotional experience (say, a confrontation with a coworker who’s slacking off), your fight-or-flight system kicks in, causing stress hormones like cortisol, norepinephrine, and adrenaline to flood your body. When that moment passes and your body settles into a “rest and digest” state, you may feel particularly drained. “When we’re recovering from the stress response, it’s tiring,” Bruneau says.
This feeling may also reflect a mental conflict between your amygdala, the part of your brain that processes your emotions, and your prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain that tries to moderate them through logic and decision-making. “It’s mentally exhausting to deal with feelings of anger and anxiety and try not to react,” Bruneau says.
Some research also shows that highly emotional events light up the brain in certain ways — and that light doesn’t go out as soon as the event ends. In his 2016 study published in the journal Neuroscience of NatureDavachi and his colleagues measured participants’ brain activity as they viewed emotional and neutral images. They found that the brain states associated with emotional experiences persisted 20 to 30 minutes later, sharpening participants’ memories of later, non-emotional images.
This shows that, unlike a video recording, “we are much more complex in the way we look at, perceive and remember the world,” Davachi says.
Similarly, emotional moments can corrupt our attention, highlighting seemingly happy couples after an argument with your partner, or causing you to misinterpret a friend’s silence after an awkward encounter with another friend. By ruminating on negative feelings, you (often unintentionally) delay your healing.
“Your perception is heightened around things that are about that person or that trauma, but you might actually repress it all,” Davachi says. “And that’s also a bad adaptation, because if good things happen to you too, like you get a nice message in the mail, you’re not going to let that improve your mood the way it should.”
Your emotional hangover may not be so complicated: Maybe you failed to breathe deeply, drink enough water, or eat properly while engrossed in a tragic movie. Your sleep may have been more restless, too. “When we’re stressed, we tend to not take care of ourselves,” Bruneau says.
Ultimately, emotional hangovers are another indication that our bodies and minds are connected, says Kristen Guest, a licensed social worker. “Our bodies will definitely sense it if our minds are overloaded or overstimulated. Nothing happens in isolation.”
Your Emotional Hangover First Aid Kit
Emotional hangovers aren’t inherently bad; they’re human. They may mean you need to set better boundaries, improve communication, or practice managing uncomfortable emotions and conflict. If you find these feelings are frequent and disruptive, you may need to do something more drastic, like quitting a job or breaking up with a friend. Consider abstaining from the symbolic substance that no longer serves you.
“It’s good to receive these signals in some cases, And “We need to train our brains and bodies to react in different ways,” Guest says. She recommends drinking plenty of water and keeping a journal to help you notice the patterns that tend to drain you emotionally—what you’re doing, where you’re doing it, and who you’re doing it for. “It’s important to take time to reflect,” she says.
Emily Hein, a writer and social work student, has found that working through this issue with a therapist can be very helpful. She learned, for example, that an overreaction to a comment from her current partner may be related to something a former partner said.
“We tend to lump all of these things together, and it’s really hard to say, ‘No, let’s just approach this particular situation as it is,’” she says. “There’s really a back-and-forth between your mind and your body, and knowing that you’re safe but validating that it’s okay for your brain to feel unsafe. Your brain is pulling evidence of what actually happened.”
For her, watching a show, playing a video game or going for a walk can create a helpful space between the event and her reaction. Like a margarita hangover, time heals, Schaeffer also found. “Just be kind to yourself the next day,” she says. “That’s the rule I live by.”