Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Do you have a question about care and feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I had twin girls, “Caroline” and “Mariah.” They were always very close, and while most twins seem to grow out of “twin talk,” they never really did. Caroline passed away suddenly and unexpectedly last year at the age of 17. I have no words to describe how brutal this was for all of us.
My husband and I are in pain, but Mariah seems completely overwhelmed by the pain. She is struggling in school and can’t seem to see her friends or do her favorite activities, like soccer. We’ve put her in a grief support group and are giving her antidepressants, but it doesn’t seem to make a difference. We live in a rural area, so we’re on many waiting lists for therapists who work with teens. In desperation, we’ve even tried two that don’t accept insurance. But they weren’t a good fit for her.
Mariah has applied to college and is starting to receive acceptance letters, but I worry she’s not ready to handle this. When I asked her if she wanted to go or defer, she said she didn’t mind. The nearest local school is a three-hour drive away, or I would suggest she try it while living at home. I don’t want her to feel stuck here in memories while her friends and classmates move on, but my husband and I worry she’s too fragile right now. How are we going to figure out how to raise her during this time?
-In mourning
Dear Grieving Person,
First of all, I am truly sorry for your loss. Such a thing is incomprehensible and I am truly sorry for what your family is going through.
For Mariah: Have you ever considered finding a therapist who can chat with your daughter over Zoom? I know it doesn’t sound ideal, but it can work. Many of us have been forced to do therapy over Zoom during the pandemic, and I can tell you from experience that it can be great. I still see my therapist over Zoom because she moved to London. I know how hard it is to find therapists for children and adolescents; there aren’t enough to meet the need, especially in rural areas. But don’t let location be a barrier. It’s too important. They may also be able to recommend other options, such as support groups, in your area or online.
I also wonder if meeting with a family therapist would help break down some of the communication barriers you all seem to be facing as you deal with grief, and also in the future. I think it’s amazing that Mariah applied to college, and it’s wonderful that she’s accepted. But she seems uninterested, which is troubling. Your anxiety and fear of her leaving is completely understandable; at the same time, maybe the leap to college and independence will turn out to be exactly what she needs to continue moving forward with her life. It’s impossible to know until she experiences it. If she could make the transition with the support of a therapist, I think it would ease some of your fears and, hopefully, help her find a way forward as well.
Do you want advice on parenting, children or family life?
Submit your questions to Care and Feeding here. This is anonymous! (Questions may be edited for publication.)
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have been married for 14 years. It is an arranged marriage and I have tried my best to make it work. In the early years, my husband was affectionate and caring for me, but we were living apart at the time because I was still in college. But when we started living together, I realized that I had no emotional connection with my husband.
We have a daughter who is now 10 years old. My husband is a loving father and my daughter loves her father madly. But I am very unsatisfied and deeply unhappy in our relationship. There is no physical or emotional intimacy between us. When we are alone, our conversations are about our daughter or the troubles of daily life, or we keep quiet. I have a very stressful job and I get little support from him in terms of household chores.
He is very self-centered and can be a bit self-absorbed. I have no control over my finances and have not been able to live the (slightly) luxurious life I always wanted. We moved to a new country because he was deeply unhappy with his old job in my home country. In this new environment, I feel like an outsider and my mental and physical health has deteriorated rapidly.
I am now living separately from him. Our daughter is moving from one house to another. It breaks my heart and makes me depressed because of this situation. I don’t miss my husband, but I suffer from severe anxiety and depression, as I am still in the early stages. I am afraid for my daughter’s future and for myself. I want to move back home to be closer to my family, who are my greatest support at the moment. But I don’t know if my husband would want to come back – and my daughter would be absolutely devastated if we moved without her father.
Every time I think about staying here, anxiety creeps in. I feel like the worst mother in the world for putting my child through this. But I know I can’t commit to a life of misery.
—Mom in distress
Dear Mom,
First, your daughter is going to be just fine. Children are incredibly resilient, and as long as you and your husband focus on her, her needs, and her feelings when she is with you, she will be just fine. I can tell you this from experience: my daughter has been splitting her time between me and her dad since she was 7 (she is 12 now). She now accepts the differences between her homes and appreciates the time she has individually with each of us. So, all is well: don’t feel so guilty about that aspect of your situation.
Now, as far as you are concerned, it seems like this separation is just beginning. You need to take some time—I mean a year or two—to acclimate to your new reality before you make any big decisions. I was reading a recovery newsletter this morning, and there was an interview with a woman who has been sober for 38 years. She talked about following the advice she received in AA, which was not to get involved in a romantic or sexual relationship for two years after she stopped drinking. When it comes to separating or ending a marriage, I think it’s important to take the time to get to know yourself again and figure out who you want to be—as a parent and as a person.
Use the time your daughter is spending with her dad to find a therapist and get support for your anxiety and depression. (And by the way: If you’re worried about your daughter, you can find her a therapist too. I did, and it helped during the transition.) As you begin to feel less anxiety and guilt about your situation (which is totally understandable!), you can start to take charge of your finances and your future. I don’t know what your relationship with your husband is like right now, but you can also work on that a little bit. How you feel now will change in a month, three months, a year. I promise. And then you can decide where you want to be and what’s best for you and your daughter. You might be surprised at where you end up.
Catch up on care and feeding
· Did you miss the previous columns this week? Read them here.
· Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook Group!
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have two daughters, ages 15 and 17. Neither of them have been big eaters since they were little, and mealtimes have always been a difficult balance between variety and calorie intake. I stuck with it, even though I dreaded meal planning and had lost all love for cooking.
Now they are more independent and we often don’t eat together because we don’t have the same schedule. They often don’t eat all day. For example, it’s currently 1pm and one of them hasn’t eaten anything. The other one ate blueberries and a cheese stick. This is typical. There is a lot of food at home and we always ask them what they want when we go shopping.
We have tried making lists of foods they like to help them figure out what to eat. We have tried portioning leftovers for them. I thought that when they were teenagers they would have huge appetites and this frustration would pass. Instead, it has gotten worse because I feel like I am monitoring their diet ALL THE TIME. I don’t think it is an eating disorder – they just hate food and hate any form of independent food preparation. They both binge on sweets when they are available and eat a normal amount of dinner if we sit down together. What should I do here?
—No business at Mom’s restaurant
Dear No Business,
My honest advice is: let it go. You say it’s not a food problem and you probably take them to the doctor every year. If your pediatrician doesn’t tell you about any problems, it’s really a matter of figuring out how not to focus on a problem that’s more of a nuisance than a real problem. Your girls seem busy and active; if they have the energy to do what they need to do, then they’re doing fine.
Still, I am understanding. My daughter has been a picky eater forever. I nearly cried when she ordered shrimp and grits at a restaurant the other week and didn’t go straight for buttered pasta.
Your daughters may well change their minds about food when it becomes socially important and their relationships increasingly revolve around food, which inevitably happens to all of us. I really hope that this will be the case for my daughter! In the meantime, you may be able to find a few more opportunities to eat together, since your daughters seem to be eating well at the table with you. How about a nice family brunch on the weekend? A new ritual could help you rediscover the joy of cooking. You will be able to feed your children and yourself at the same time.
—Hillary