Let’s get this straight right now. I’m calling it. Somebody put Vegas on the line. My prediction for the DRAMATIC END where Jenn does something NO BACHELORETTE HAS EVER DONE BEFORE is…
It offers.
I have no prior knowledge of the season. I haven’t seen any spoilers. Check the metadata in this Word document. But I’m betting my Emmys that Jenn will be the first Bachelorette in American history to propose to her final guy. Has anyone checked to see if her final dress has a slit, allowing her to get down on one knee better? Come on: “No Bachelorette has ever done that before,” “I never thought I’d do it,” “I’m done letting men dictate relationships.” By the end of the season, Jenn will get down on one knee and propose… I’m not thinking Sam M. (aka Good & Gather Tyler Cameron) but someone big. We’ll just have to wait and see.
If Jenn does end up proposing to her F1, it will end the requirement for leaders to stop the second one mid-knee, and I will finally stop complaining and begging for leaders to have equal control over the process. It’s a win-win: a win for feminism and a win for the dignity of a guy named Chaseley or something.
But we’re not even remotely there yet. No, no, dear readers! It’s night one and we’re breaking barriers! The first Asian American Bachelorette!!! Jenn made two random Asian girls cry in Boston Commons (which, based on my college experience just outside of Boston, seems appropriate for the area). She’s going to make us proud! We also have another Vietnamese contestant who’s carrying a load and if anything bad happens to him, I’m not going to do well. It’ll be interesting to see how the show handles Jenn’s identity and what role she ultimately plays in the season, since she doesn’t really have another narrative to convey from Joey’s season. Joey’s golden retriever tendencies meant that pretty much every contestant came away from his season feeling like they had a chance to express their feelings and were validated by him. An emotionally satisfying subject but a tough one to try to drag into another season. But Jenn chose to focus on “the sun of past toxic relationships, the moon of emotionally secretive parents, the cool girl on the rise” to support her throughout the season. She has a dress that vaguely reminded me of Rachel Lindsay’s prom dress and she’s ready to flirt with her little ass.
Let’s go!
Where the fuck are we? What the hell is this house?!??!!!!!! I’m back in the cinematic universe of The Bachelor for familiarity, do not introduce me to a NEW HUMMINGBIRD NEST RESORT RANCH BAR & GRILL. No thanks. Has the VRBO contract with the original mansion expired? I would like to return.
No time! The Jenntlemen are coming.
I don’t like that they gave themselves a fancy little name. Look, I know no one really likes “pageants” except me (and my friend Emma who helped me invent it a long time ago), but as soon as these men start becoming self-aware, the whole thing falls apart. And by “this thing,” I mean “society.” It’s like Planet of the Apes origins Our defenses are weakened by a pandemic and the Jenntlemen will invade the cities.
Marcus, the retired Army Ranger, is the first to exit the limo. He’s been on six deployments and was finally injured by a grenade. He hasn’t had a date in five years, and to prepare for his stay at the Hummingbird B&B, he brought a rolled-up American flag. I’d like to know where he was in early January 2021. No reason.
Next up is Marvin, who speaks French with the flattest accent I’ve ever heard, and I took French classes in college outside of Chicago, Illinois. I would like a haht dahg. Next up is Sam N., who I often hear referred to as “Salmon”. Salmon tells Jenn he is a virgin… a LOVE virgin. He has never been in love. He was born in Iran and his family is traditional and if you bring someone home you sort of marry them. His plan is a girlfriend/wife. Salmon, you are 25. You are doing well.
Grant sings about trying to change Jenn’s name to Mrs. Ellis. He played basketball overseas, which means he’s good at basketball. Then we meet Great Value Tyler Cameron as Sam M. His intro is asking Jenn to imagine she’s having breakfast 50 years from now, and then he just says “shot time.” I was mentally preparing myself for the montage of people actually bringing Jenn shots. Jenn says she’s always wanted a cowboy. He just has a Southern accent, but starting to create that Fantasy Suite experience now, girl.
Thomas N. brings her a bracelet and says he hopes for a similar situation to Nguyen-Nguyen. His parents immigrated from Vietnam, so he has that in common with Jenn. He was an Olympic hopeful but tore his rotator cuff. Well, failed athletes. It’s a beautiful season of The Bachelorette is based on. There’s still time to jump into an XFL kicker. Brendan eats a pepper and honestly, the less said about it the better. Then there’s a montage of gimmick entrances: ski boots! A champagne bottle opened with a saber (by someone very sexy)! Red locks! And then we have the entrance of all entrances: PUPPIES! Jenn melts like a cartoon character and can’t focus on Tomas A. No matter what he says, she’s not listening, man.
Next up is Jonathon who comes in on a stretcher and has his entire face covered in bandages and his ass completely exposed. ABC, show us the ass. He decided to leave his head completely bandaged until medical assistant Jenn unwraps him at the right time. After that, it’s the fun part of the show about vehicles. Noah Erb’s twin brother Aaron arrives on a motorcycle and a sidecar. Jeremy arrives in a Corvette. Jeremy looks and acts like a guy Samantha Jones would fuck on season 2 of Sex and the City.
There’s Dylan with his curling sponge in its introductory packaging, there’s John and BRETT!!!!!!!! WE DID IT!! A BIG GUY ON THE BACHELORETTE!! Progress is possible!
There’s Devin, who gets an intro pack about being loud and talking a lot (okay, okay, he was raised by a single mom). And as Jenn said, “He’s got a real Pete—” I was typing, “He’s like Thicc Pete Davidson.” Great minds.
Hakeem brought so many balls. Too many balls. An overwhelming and disturbing amount of balls.
Jenn enters the house and makes a surprisingly revealing first night toast. She says she’s been in toxic relationships and realized she wants fierce love. She doesn’t expect them to be perfect and neither does she. They’re going to have fun (she’ll propose by the end of the season). Sammm is the first to pull her aside and he thinks “reckless” is a synonym for “fierce.”
Also, let me just say this now: Jenn has the type of personality that unfunny men talk about when they say they want a “funny girlfriend.” She’s always making fun of someone evil and well-meaning. Jenn’s men constantly describe her as “charming, vivacious, and bubbly.” She’s just down for a good time. I’m more interested in Jenn breaking some generational curses and fighting back against toxic men than I am in this funny girl narrative. Jenn is also very excited and I’m interested in that too.
Jenn sits down with Spencer, who I assume does AI pet portraits, and Thomas N., who shows off his tattoos, and they talk about their parents’ immigration. Both of their mothers left the medical field to give them a better life. He might be tied with Brett for Sweetheart of the Century.
Okay, okay, okay, what happens next is so confusing and confusing. They’re all playing a game of Truth or Dare???????? Since when do we do stuff like this!!!! I didn’t sign up for any games you’d play at your coworker’s co-ed bachelor/bachelorette party weekend. The only good thing that comes out of all this is Brett doing the splits.
When the game calms down, Salmon says he doesn’t want to kiss with lips. He wants to kiss with souls. I’m going to work that into my wedding vows. I’m also looking forward to a big secret of Salmon’s being revealed, because you know he’s ready to something. Jonathon is tired of his scarf so he lets Jenn take it off and surprise! He’s really sexy!
Jeremy takes Jenn out in his Corvette and he doesn’t have the keys, so they sit in the car and talk. She asks him how he ended up in New York and he says, “I’m from Connecticut, so it was a natural fit.” Wait, maybe he’s actually Charlotte’s boyfriend from Season 1, which ends up being a cautionary tale she doesn’t learn until Season 5. Brian comes out sweating like crazy and presses the lock/unlock button on the keys Jesse Palmer gave him. They have the sweetest confrontation in First Night history. Neither of them excite me.
Jenn sits down with Devin and within three sentences they’re talking about biting each other’s toes. Devin is a little weird and I wish he’d follow his instincts.
After some more discussion, Jenn grabs the rose and runs off into the night. She chooses… Sammm. Oh, girl. Nooooo. The first impression rose is either a really good indicator of who the Bachelorette will end up with or… it’s just who she wants to date the most. It’s the latter. They talk about their chemistry and she says “I’ve been thinking about you” about five times. She shyly tries to bite her lip and fingers to draw attention to her mouth in a Cher Horowitz way. She finally grabs his head and… they KISS. They’re practically horizontal within ten seconds. And they kiss for a long time. They keep cutting to the other guys and back to Jenn and Sammm kissing. “Man, I wish I had the first impression rose.” They’re still kissing. “The competition is heating up.” They’re still kissing. “It’s time for the rose ceremony.” They’re still kissing.
Jenn says the kiss was wild. Yeah, girl. We saw.
It’s time for the rose ceremony. Dylan, Thomas N., Spencer, Grant, Marcus, Thomas A., John M., Jeremy, Devin, Brian, Aaron, Jahaan, Hakeem, Jonathan, Austin, Marvin, and Salmon all receive roses.
Seeing the guy with the red locks really made me jump. Every now and then, we completely forget about a contestant until they’re sent home. But I haven’t forgotten about Brett! No! I better see him in heaven! People are asking for Brett!
The show is heading to new and exciting locations as they all go to Melbourne, Australia! Hummingbird Ranch was only available for one night! Jenn says, “I feel it, I’m going to fall in love, my person is here, I’m going to get engaged, I’m going to do it my way.” She. Will. Propose.
Well done Jenn!