Following surveillance video showing Sean “Diddy” Combs physically assaulting Cassie Ventura in 2016 and his subsequent video apology, a wave of solidarity for Ventura made its way to social media — but some of the rhetoric that circulation is problematic, experts. warn.
Ventura addressed her followers on social media on May 23, writing, “Thank you for all the love and support from family, friends, strangers, and those I have yet to meet. The outpouring of love has created a place for my younger self to settle in and feel safe now, but that is just the beginning Domestic violence is THE problem. one I never thought I would become.
“Real men don’t hit women,” many people commented after the video was released and that conversation continued in Ventura’s comments section. Her husband Alex Fine also wrote in an open letter that “men who hit women are not men.”
Others echoed a familiar sentiment: “It’s not a man, it’s a little boy.”
Such reactions aim to express support for the victim, which is essential to combat domestic violence in society. But there is also a problem with this response: it removes responsibility for the act and infantilizes the perpetrators of violence against women.
In fact, statistics show that “real men” abuse women all the time.
“Real Men Don’t Hit Women” and Why This Phrase Is Not What You Think
“Masculinity implies the right to use violence,” says Leigh Goodmark, author and law professor at the University of Maryland. “And so to say that ‘real men’ don’t do this is wrong. …real men resort to violence all the time.”
According to a 2020 study by the National Coalition of Domestic Violence, 1 in 4 women and 1 in 10 men experience sexual violence, physical violence and/or harassment from an intimate partner in their lifetime and approximately 1 in 5 female victims and 1 in 20. Male victims therefore need medical attention.
Separating “real men” from the general population of men committing domestic violence affects victims of all genders.
“If you say, ‘People shouldn’t hurt other people,’ absolutely,” Goodmark says. “But using these outdated and really problematic binary notions that there is a masculinity that we should all be looking for people to adhere to that is based on really outdated tropes is problematic, and we see it most often in context of domestic violence because it’s such a stark binary.”
Crystal Justice, director of external affairs for The National Domestic Violence Hotline, similarly adds: “Abuse, in any form, is never acceptable…If it While it is important to condemn this behavior, it is equally important to avoid sexist and racialized stereotypes. which fuel stigma and often create additional barriers for people planning for their safety. Being a kind and supportive partner is not exceptional – it should be the norm, regardless of each person’s identity.
Experts say this rhetoric also removes responsibility from male perpetrators and, therefore, does not create a path to rehabilitation.
Goodmark explains, “If we just write him off by saying he’s not a real man, then we’re also forgetting our responsibility as a society to help him change in any way.” Ultimately, for every partner this person will have, and for society in general, what we need is for this person to stop being violent. »
This wording also reinforces some misconceptions about domestic violence, including that all perpetrators look and behave like “monsters.” One of the most stubborn, according to Gillian Pinchevsky, an associate professor of criminal justice at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, is that domestic violence is purely physical. Pinchevsky previously told USA TODAY that in her class she asked students to draw a picture of “domestic violence.” The majority depict physical violence, a female victim and a male perpetrator. But statistics show that domestic violence is much broader and far-reaching than many people realize.
Why calling men perpetrators of domestic violence “boys” is problematic
Some people have reduced the reference to Combs to a “boy” rather than a “man” for his actions. In addition to Ventura’s lawsuit, which was settled a day after it was filed in November, the Bad Boy Records founder faces several lawsuits filed in recent months claiming the music mogul raped or sexually assaulted several alleged victims over the last decades.
Combs has essentially denied all accusations against him, although he has apologized for the violence committed against Ventura.
Infantilizing male abusers is not only counterproductive in combating the problem of domestic violence, but also perpetuates the idea that young boys are prone to violence.
“Boys are not inherently violent,” says Goodmark. “Boys learn violence and boys have learned violence because they live in a society that teaches them that to be men is to be violent, to fight.”
What is the appropriate response to domestic violence?
There is no perfect way to respond to victims of domestic violence – just as there is no perfect way to be a victim – but there are tips to better support those affected by violence.
It’s time, experts say, for society to stop asking, “Why didn’t you leave?” when the questions should really be “why did you feel you had to stay?” »
“We like quick policy solutions. We like more policing. We like more prosecution. And none of that is actually going to end this problem, and it’s not,” Goodmark told USA TODAY .
A good cause of action is to “say that we condemn the use of violence against anyone, that the use of violence, regardless of gender, not the gender against which it is committed , is wrong, but also to say that we should do something to work with this person and change,” says Goodmark.
Another aspect of positive support is “survivor-centering,” Justice says.
“Domestic violence is a complex crisis and a public health crisis that we all need to learn more about,” she continues. “For those who have seen recent media coverage and feel compelled to take action on this issue, we encourage you to learn to recognize the warning signs of abuse, to listen to survivors as they share their experiences with you , to offer help to survivors when needed can do so safely, and volunteer or donate to your local helpline or shelter to ensure services are available to them. survivors when they need it.
Contributors: Taijuan Moorman, Brendan Morrow, Alia E. Dastagir
If you are a victim of domestic violence, The National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org) allows you to speak confidentially with trained advocates online or over the phone, which they recommend for those who believe their online activity is being monitored by their abuser (800-799-7233). They can help survivors develop a plan to keep themselves and their children safe.