Ask AJ is Slate’s new advice column on addiction, recovery, and how to hate yourself less. Submit a question hereIt’s anonymous!
Dear AJ,
Do you have any advice on how best to inspire honesty in my partner about his drinking? He has struggled with alcohol for years, had periods of sobriety, but is now drinking again. I have noticed a recent increase in the amount of alcohol he has been drinking, but I am not sure how much.
I want to speak up to create an honest and ongoing dialogue about this, but I’m also fairly certain that their honesty will result in boundaries on my part (eg: parenting, sex) that will extinguish their desire to be honest, and perhaps create a habit of lying/minimizing their drinking.
For context, they are really good at appearing sober/not too drunk even when they drink heavily, and are currently highly functional, so I can’t tell from the outside how bad things are without them telling me. I am also the adult child of an alcoholic, so I am very afraid of having open conversations about alcohol in general.
-Is it that bad?
Dear HBIIR,
I have read your email several times to better manage my emotional reaction and each time I have felt more frustrated with you for your unfortunate situation. Watching your partner self-destruct is a horrible experience, especially when loving them and wanting the best for them does not solve the problem.
I have acted sloppily and furtively on both sides of these relationships. First, let me give you your perspective, that of the worried and frustrated partner. The partners I diagnosed with obvious alcohol or drug problems were completely unwilling to hear that I was trying to “help” them, probably because they thought I was trying to control them. And between you and me (and the thousands of people reading this), they were right.
My need to control them was a desperate attempt to get them to stay with me. Why can’t they see how happy I can make them? They don’t need to be so drunk at every wedding that they have to be carried out before the cake is cut. Or so drunk at parties that they puke all over the turkey…
This is a losing proposition. They don’t want your help because, remember, they don’t believe their drinking is a serious problem. They were just two disastrous marriages, they say. This turkey was too dry anyway. Or, and this is where they will be right: You’re not perfect either. I know, it’s devastating.
And when I was the unreachable alcoholic wreaking havoc in my relationships, I made many promises to change: to drink less, to lie less, and to come home at a reasonable hour during the work week. But inevitably, I didn’t keep those promises. Then I sabotaged the relationship by blaming the other person for all the drama. It was either their fault because a) they were meddling in my personal problems, or b) they trusted me in the first place. They should have known better than to tell me that my problematic drinking and rude behavior was hurting them.
Then I would walk away. I was a real emotional daredevil.
Back to your question: is there a way to create an open and honest dialogue with your partner even if, as you said, he is a master at hiding his drinking and tends to shut down when confronted with his drinking problem and will sometimes blatantly lie to you about his drinking (you think).
So the biggest question I think you’re asking is: Can you fix your partner?
I’m sure there are success stories.
But should you fix your partner?
According to most of the literature on adult children of alcoholics, this is a big NO. Like you, I grew up in a dysfunctional home, being yelled at and picked on by my father from a young age. There is also a history of alcoholism and addiction in my family that has been largely ignored or covered up.
There were many other factors that I never fully examined or addressed for most of my life that exacerbated most of my self-destructive tendencies. But I sought help once I finally realized that I was the only one who could save myself.
I don’t want to burden you with ACA literature, but when I’m in “I can fix this person” mode, I like to go back to “The Problem,” which I often read before meetings I attend. It reminds me that sometimes my best intentions are my worst instincts. I’ve bolded a few sections so you can reacquaint yourself with them:
We preferred to worry about others rather than ourselves. We have experienced feelings of guilt when we stood up for ourselves rather than giving in to others.We have thus become reactors rather than actors, letting others take the initiative. We were dependent personalities, terrified of abandonment, willing to do almost anything to maintain a relationship so as not to be emotionally abandoned.. Yet we continued to choose unstable relationships because they matched our childhood relationships with alcoholic or dysfunctional parents.
I see you in there. And you?
So, healthy pivot alert, let’s get back to ourselves. In other words: What can you do to take care of yourself while your partner struggles with alcoholism? Detach from him, lovingly, of course! I don’t think you need to resort to ultimatums about sex or parenting, but boundaries are a good thing. The key is to not get lost in the process, where your hypervigilance turns into paranoia and drama. There’s an old ACA maxim about what loving detachment looks like: Imagine your partner is drunk again and falls out of bed. Instead of struggling to get him back into bed, just throw a blanket over him on the floor. Sometimes that’s the best you can do for both of you.
I once detached myself from my parents when my mother was diagnosed with cancer and my father was on the verge of dementia. This may sound insensitive, but without going into too much detail, trust me, it was necessary at the time. I eventually reconnected with them once I figured out how to focus on my own needs instead of trying to solve them to make myself feel better. I was—and this is another term you’re probably familiar with—reparenting myself, taking care of the little boy still inside me.
I’m sure your partner is a great person and you want to keep that version of him forever, but don’t get bogged down in trying to save him. It may sound crazy, but self-reliance is the best way to support your partner. Hit the ACA hard. Rejuvenate your friendships. Do more things outside. Go for a hike, bike ride, take a walk, or sit under a tree and let the wind massage your face in a meadow full of hummingbirds, harp-wielding angels, and singing badgers—you get the idea.
There is a world where, at some point, your partner eventually understands your concerns about his drinking and, surprisingly, agrees with you. If he wants to invite you into this process, don’t take it for granted, it’s a gift. But if he stops drinking and doesn’t turn into the idealized superhero you hoped for, don’t get angry or resentful. This whole process takes time and love. You love him, so act lovingly, especially when he’s struggling.
But for now, you have to let yourself go. Maybe your partner will catch up. If not, you’ll be fine either way. Believe it.
—AJ