Emetic Alec Baldwin and his fake Spanish bambino factory Hilaria are selling out their family of nine in one last money-hungry quest with a new reality show, “The Baldwins.”
You know who won’t have their own family reality show? Halyna Hutchins, the cinematographer and new mother whom Baldwin accidentally shot on the set of 2021’s “Rust.”
Alec is preparing to go to trial in a few weeks, charged in New Mexico with Hutchins’ manslaughter.
TLC — home to such wholesome cultural references as “90 Day Fiancé” and “MILF Manor” — is footing the bill for this most repugnant, narcissistic show, which is set to premiere next year.
Which makes me wonder: how will will filming continue if Alec ends up in the camp (gunsmith “Rust” Hannah Gutierrez-Reed was sentenced to 18 months in prison for the same charges in April)?
Imagine the detours.
Alec sobs quietly at the news of another positive pregnancy test.
Wife Hillary — a basic white girl from Boston who spent a few summers in Spain and now looks like Javier Bardem — rounds up her Latinx brood as she tours the Santa Fe prison.
A TLC press release promised – threatened? — that the Baldwins will “open up their lives for the first time and bring everyone in to join in with the love, laughter, and non-stop drama.”
Because there is nothing funnier than the drama of a family torn apart – Hutchins’ son, then 9 years old, was left psychically speechless for two days upon learning of the death of his mother.
And what about the non-stop love Alec showed during that smug encounter with ABC News reputation launderer George Stephanopoulos where he apparently implicated Hutchins in his own death?
“It’s all under her direction,” Baldwin moaned in December 2021. “I’m holding the gun where she told me to hold it, which ended up right under her armpit.”
In another spewed show promo this week, Alec ‘It Wossont Me’ Baldwin personally teased, “We invite you into our home to experience the highs and the lows, the good and the bad, the wild and the crazy.”
These wild and crazy highs and lows include:
– The apparently cash-strapped couple (what else could explain this TLC parody?) is desperately trying to unload their Hamptons pleasure palace for a deeply discounted $19 million (original asking price: $29 million). dollars).
– Hilaria yells at photographers to leave her alone on the side of a highway, before strutting for said photographers during sedate pap walks while donning tight fishnets… in mid-January in New York!
– And father Alec called his daughter Ireland, then 11, a “thoughtless little pig” in a 2007 voicemail.
Tight purse strings and falling social capital really do make the most unsightly among us uglier.
New H&M humiliation
If losing Posh and Becks’ friendship wasn’t humiliating enough, the Sussexes had a football-shaped hole torn in their Netflix raft – with characters sinking like a stone.
The streamer’s recently released data saw Queen Victoria (and Consort Dave) emerge triumphant, racking up 43.9 million views in the second half of last year for their hit docuseries.
By comparison, H&M’s groaning marathon crossed the goal line with just 12.6 million.
It appears that Golden the balls shine more than the ginger.
Goodbye bra!
German model and bratwurst-teaser Heidi Klum celebrated her 51st birthday by sunning her balloons in a completely nude Insta selfie.
Clearly, this woman was not born out of his insatiable thirst for attention.
Hunter’s Leading Ladies
As Hunter Biden’s Delaware gun trial begins, Dr. Jill dons her best pantsuits to show her mother-in-law’s support in person.
Half-sister Ashley – of “Showers with My Dad” infamy – and his wife Melissa Cohen are also in tow.
Bleached blonde and clearly poorly built, Mad Melissa — a new 38 to Hunter’s 54 — got in on the action, calling a Trump staffer a “Nazi piece of shit” outside the courthouse.
Maybe she’ll calm down when she realizes she may soon have to re-enter the men’s market if Hunter ends up in the goosegow.
Parade of Ignorance
It was a rainbow showdown when “Queers4Palestine” protesters attempted to disrupt a Philly Pride parade by donning a curious collection of butt-baring keffiyehs and bondage gear.
One poster read “No Pride in Genocide” – but does anyone have the heart to tell these supernatural wokeys that homophobic Islamists would love to commit genocide against every letter of the LGBTQIA alphabet?
Baby Gaga?
Lady Gaga looked full of life at her sister Natali’s wedding this weekend, sporting a huge smile and a visible bump that had tongues wagging: could a new star be born this way in the coming months?
But fans hoping they’d be poking fun at a little monster in mom’s oven were disappointed when she quashed the rumors in a statement Tuesday.
A reminder that there are a number of reasons why a starlet might not stay slim. And as we well know, it is never polite to ask a lady.
Caitlin, crying baby
WNBA flop artist Caitlin Clark must be having a horrible time dribbling while balancing that halo.
Our Iowa Martyr is the talk of the town after the Chicago Sky’s Chennedy Carter hit her in the hip in the mezzanine during Saturday’s WNBA game.
“It’s just not a basketball game,” Saint Caitlin then preached. “But you know, I have to play it.”
Someone give this girl a crown of thorns!
If Clark didn’t dive like Michael Phelps every time someone coughed in his direction, I’d have a little more sympathy.
And that $28 million Nike sponsorship deal doesn’t exactly scream “victim” either.
Congressional Clown Show
Tennessee Rep. John Rose must have missed the memo that Congress is not a daycare, because his 6-year-old, Guy, upstaged him Monday, pulling funny faces from the benches for the cameras.
Rose’s wife Chelsea – whom he met when he was 42, a 17-year-old high school student and married four years later when she was an adult – could have gotten his son back, but perhaps be she doesn’t have it. license again.
Grim justice
Canadian serial killer Robert Pickton strangled the lives of dozens of prostitutes and Indigenous women during a years-long spree in the late 1990s and early 2000s.
In an even darker twist, Pickton – a farmer by trade – then fed the corpses of his victims to his pigs.
When he was finally arrested, the government had to issue a warning to those who might have eaten his pork products.
Pickton was beaten to death in the Pokey last week. Enjoy the hell out of it, eh?