Mothering responsibilities have forced Katy Hewin to take a step back from her career at asset manager Janus Henderson. The single mum hasn’t been juggling bath time and weaning with her job as a business owner, but she has been supporting her son through his recent A-levels and her teenage daughter.
“I always think that bigger kids mean bigger problems,” she says. “Adolescence is a very difficult time. You’re wanted and you’re not. … You have to be there to know when they’re going to talk to you.”
Hewin feels supported by her employer and has some flexibility about her schedule and where she works. “I know I work very hard, but I do it at different times. » Nevertheless, she has limited her international travel and has not sought major supervisory positions because she feels she does not have the capacity to take on additional responsibilities. “When you manage, you find yourself involved in the lives (of employees). » Her children are on the verge of being independent, but she is paradoxically more attached to the house than when they were younger and she has been helped by an au pair and a school daycare.
Working parents of teenagers face different challenges to those who are in nappies and tired from interrupted sleep. Miranda Perry, co-founder of Abrial, which advises schools and parents, says: “It’s normal to be a stressed working parent with a teenager. They need reassurance. The networks that parents used to have at school were different, with more reassurance through WhatsApp groups. While the challenges remain demanding, many working parents don’t feel supported by employers.”
Since the pandemic, Daisy Dowling, an executive parent coach who also advises employers, has seen greater stress, including mental health issues, among children. In the United States, Vivek Murthy, the surgeon general, recently warned that the mental health crisis among young people was “an emergency.” In the UK, almost one in five children aged 7 to 17 are likely to have a mental disorder, an increase of 50% from 2017, according to the Royal College of Paediatrics and Child Health. There is also anxiety related to adolescents’ use of technology and increased demands on parents. “Home used to be a refuge,” says Dowling. “(Now) work follows you home.”
Few employer initiatives and employee resource groups target parents of older children. “Parents of teenagers are almost invisible,” Dowling says. “Ninety-eight percent of resources are for people going on parental leave and returning to work. »
Beyond that, legal benefits vary across the world. In the United Kingdom, employees are entitled to four weeks of unpaid leave per year for each child, up to 18 weeks.
Some parents find that employers are less tolerant of family obligations when their children are older. “Once your child reaches a certain age, you’re expected to increase your work hours,” says one mother who works in the legal field. “Employers are less understanding of the demands of (older) children.”
However, Anita Cleare, author of a forthcoming book How to Get Your Teen Out of Their Roomobserves a recent shift: One of its most requested sessions by employers this year focused on how to persuade teenagers to open up. “I think companies have understood the potential impacts that adolescence can have on working parents. »
Cleare explains that “parents tend to be more hands-on and hands-on these days, which in addition to a teenager who may have a certain gaming or phone habit or just isn’t very motivated to study, can make parents want to be a little more present to be able to supervise and galvanize.”
A study last year by the University of Essex found that in the UK, “in 1961, mothers spent an average of 96 minutes a day looking after their children, compared to 162 minutes a day in 2015 Fathers spent 18 minutes per day caring for their children in 1961, compared to 71 minutes per day in 2015.
It’s also a time in their lives, Dowling observes, when parents anticipate regret. “When someone has a 15- or 14-year-old and they realize, oh my God, I have two years left, when my child is gone, I’m going to realize I wasted my time with them. There’s a point where they realize how much time they have left.”
Michael Whitworth, a former headteacher and co-founder of Abrial, says added pressure has been placed by “the rapid increase in neurodivergence diagnoses, which require… a lot of time spent with doctors and schools, as well as significant stress.”
In some cases, parents choose to take time off work, nicknamed “teen-ternity,” to support their children during exams or in a crisis.
One example is Suzanne Alderson, who stepped down from the business she ran with her husband when her daughter suffered a serious mental health crisis. “When you’re in that situation, you’re in fight or flight.”
Her experience led her to start the charity Parenting Mental Health to help others feel less alone. She says returning to work after such crises can be challenging. “Your brain is disconnected. You can’t process information. But we see a lot of parents coming back to normal and finding it encouraging. Parents say work can be what keeps you going.”
However, a recent survey by her charity found that 13 per cent of parents dealing with their child’s mental health have had to give up their jobs altogether. Many others have to take unpaid leave, which “can add another layer of financial and professional stress”.
Molly Walsh took six months off from her job in financial services after her teenage son began struggling. It could take up to an hour for her and his teachers to coax him into school. “I was late for work all the time.”
Today, her son is happier, thanks to an autism diagnosis and mental health support. “If you had told me five years ago that he would pass his high school exams, I wouldn’t have believed you,” says Walsh.
This experience inspired her to want to create a “positive” outcome for others. “I told myself that I couldn’t be the only one going through this ordeal. Parents are so humiliated and vilified. » After creating a parenting resource group for company employees, she hosted a session about her own experience. “I was amazed to see how many parents were going through this ordeal. » Her group now advises colleagues who face lawsuits for their child’s poor school attendance and helps parents navigate mental health services.
Dowling emphasizes that employee resource groups should be inclusive. “Make sure they are aimed at parents of older children. New parents tend to cluster together, while working parents (of teenagers) tend not to. »
They should also include fathers. Jeremy Davies, deputy chief executive of the Fatherhood Institute, says that “fathers seem to step back more from the full breadwinner role when they have older children. This may be happening as fathers reach a level of seniority where they can ease off a bit.”
Informal flexibility is also important to allow parents to get to school or health appointments. Alderson says that after the pandemic, employers became more supportive of what she calls the “juggling act,” but back-to-work mandates could see that trend reverse. “The more open we can be about the demands we face outside of the office and what might help both employers and employees, the more engaged and loyal we will become.”
Internal communications can support this message, Dowling says. “Imagine if at the next town hall meeting a leader stood up and said he was home yesterday because his 14-year-old was sick. That makes it easier for others to understand.”
Robbie Green, executive coach at Talking Talent, says “companies need to be respectful and responsive when parents set boundaries.”
Alderson says this approach should continue beyond the early years of life. “We’re wrong to think that the hardest times come when our child is younger.”